Wednesday, September 19, 2007

ashes to ashes. . . .

How I felt yesterday. The title, anyway. Ashes to Ashes. But I love the melody piping through this song. . . . It actually gives me a bit of a 'so what!?!' feeling. (if you haven't already - click 'play' above and then continue reading)

So. Yesterday. Started ok. Ended crap. More comments. Worse than the first. More reading ordered. More languages. More secondary sources. More "You can't say ________ without first ____________ [insert impossibly-high-hurdle].

It reminds me of James Michener, who seems incapable of starting stories except at the very beginning - giving entirely new meaning to the phrase "First, the earth cooled." Hawaii actually starts with stories of lava flow.

Michener pulls it off - barely - and not with everyone.

I'm not even interested in lava, or with 'first principles' or anything like that. We have words in our lexicon - let's use 'em. I don't feel the need - first - to reinvent language or investigate the basis upon which I talk about principles, values or even God. Unless, of course, it becomes apparent that we are not talking about the same thing!

And it's pretty *&^%$@@#! apparent me and. . . . let's call her Magda . . . . apparent me and Magda are NOT talking about the same thing!


Well - the good news is that I got comments for the next chapter today, and they are - good. . . . - mostly! Or at least she says the chapter is good. . . . I haven't read the comments yet. I think I'll leave that till later. I don't need any further evidence of failures to understand. . . .

This week is apparently going to be all about wrenching feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Not fun. Not for me. Not for anybody, I'm sure. But it is what it is. . . .

I cautiously approach the elephant in the room: Maybe I can't do this.

But I'll never know if I don't try, eh? I mean: Really Try. So. On I go.


Lee Anne said...

A friend of mine, who is also working on her disseration, wisely told me the other day in the middle of another one of my diss crises, "You are too stressed out right now to know whether you can do this or not much less make any decisions about whether you should just quit and walk away. Just walk away and come back when you feel better."

I'll avoid all the cheerleader phrases. Keep at it, but not at the expense of your mental health. It's hard to see the finish, but it's there. I should take my own advice, really.

Have some fun this weekend!

prophet said...

lee anne - I sure have enjoyed having come across you. Thanks! Yeah. . . maybe we can each tell the other what we most need to hear ourselves! [laughing out loud here. . . . grin]

sometimes it helps just to be able to say what you most fear. . . . and then to step on it like a bug.

if that makes any sense at all.

I am proceeding. Skype-conferenced Magda, and she didn't laugh when I said I was pressing on with the Oct 31 deadline. (altho she did talk about significant obstacles)

This weekend? Write the introduction. Sounds simple - but it requires global overview. Better get my wings on.

Again: thanks.